Michael or John: how to oppose all forms Boltonism

Bolton:	Michael Bolton	John R. Bolton
Primary hair issue:	Stole Robert Plant’s ‘do and chest hair	Has been wearing the same unconvincing hairpiece since 1972
Early inspiration:	Stevie Wonder	Jesse Helms
spent 1981 in:	Blackjack	The Reagan Administration
later in the decade, teamed up with:	Laura Branigan	Ed Meese
has also been linked with:	Peabo Bryson, Patti Labelle, and BabyFace	Ahmad Chalabi, Richard Perle and Douglas Feith
most controversial quote:	‘Love is a Wonderful Thing‘	‘I’m with the Bush-Cheney team, and I’m here to stop the count’
Works to rid the world of:	poverty, homelessness, and sexual abuse	The UN and non-proliferation treaties
If confirmed, will destroy:	TBD	The UN
If NOT confirmed, will destroy:	a bunch more good songs	TBD
Editors’ opinion:	Sucks	Sucks

Verdict: in order to save ’60s soul music and the United Nations, President Bush should appoint Michael Bolton Ambassador to the UN, and, by executive order, appoint John Bolton to fulfill the remainder of Michael’s contract with Columbia. Although he is not “bound by laws prohibiting torture,” according to his current Attorney General, we request that the President not have either Bolton sing any songs written by the previous Attorney General John Ashcroft.

April 14, 2005 at 5:49 pm