Suburban Guerilla: Here’s Your Revelation, Pal

Sunday, May 22nd, 2005

You don’t have to have actually watched the achingly bad “Revelations” (thank God! Or Satan, or whoever produced the thing…) to enjoy World O’Crap’s brilliant summation:

As you may recall, Haden, the head Satanist, is a reptilian demon creature who can only be killed by the Magic Steak Knife of Doom that Bill found in a box of Cap’n Crunch last week. And it just so happens that Bill has that knife with him, and he pulls it out and kinda scratches Haden with it. The knife gets knocked out of the cell in the struggle, and Hawk picks it up (apparently he’s hanging out in the dungeon instead of being sacrificed in the chapel to usher in the birth of the Antichrist because, um. well … just because).

Haden orders Hawk to use the knife to kill Bill. But since that phrase is copyrighted, Hawk stabs Haden instead. (Now, who could have seen that coming?)

At midnight, the peace conference is bombed (no peace for you!), setting the stage for the birth of the Antichrist. It turns out that the goat isn’t a sacrifice, but little Damien’s mother (and no, Neal Horsely isn’t his father). While the goat mother dies in childbirth, the hellspawn is fine. (Per the birth announcement, he was born May 25th at 10:00 midnight, weighed 8 pounds, 2 ounces, and is registered at www.Satanshop.com and Target.)