King of Zembla: War Is Hell on Your Portfolio

As you may already know from your religious viewing of the Fox News show Bulls and Bears, the imaginary war that originated in the dankest, smelliest furrows of Bill O'Reilly's limbic region could, if it actually existed, send retail sales plummeting, cause the stock market to crash, and devastate the American economy. We refer, of course, to the putative War on Christmas waged by a cacodemonic fifth column of liberals who mock God and all he holds dear by saying "Happy Holidays" to friends, neighbors, and passersby instead of the more traditional "Happy Birthday, Dear Jesus."